25/11/10
There is a certain stage of crystalline cynical frustration at which I function best. When I'm happy I get lazy; when I'm anxious and depressed, I am, in a consequentialistic sense, also lazy. Beauty lies in the eye, it might have once been said. Beauty lies to the eye.
It's actually not so hard for me to fathom that you've done this to me. Our friendship was always a high-stakes game and I guess I took some pride in having won that bet for so long. I've never been an adventure seeker in the white-knuckle sense, but I have always quested to tame the lion, swim with whales, hunt with wolves. Ingratiate myself to the most hostile species, because then I've infiltrated your stupid rules and won. We'd been friends long enough that I forgot that even the most hard-won, coddled, well-fed snake is still just a snake. I should have expected this, but it came at an odd time: I'd just spent months trying to nurse you back to some semblance of mental health. How many hours did you spend on my couch, going on and on and on about the same shit over and over and over and all I wanted was for you to SHUT UP AND STOP TALKING FOR A FRACTION OF A SECOND ABOUT THE SAME SHIT, but said only supportive, constructive things.
You take a two-month vacation, and then come back criticizing our band for inactivity. You rant about us not being ambitious, with the main criticism being that I am ambitious. What even the fuck. Then you dump me, via email, out of this thing I've in large part created, and then proceed to berate the hell out of me for feeling betrayed. Man, you were never my friend, and the joke's on me for ever thinking you had been. You are an actually bad person.
And that whole "dark cloud following me around" thing might have been apt if I hadn't just spent the last month being blind-lucky and happier than I've ever been in my entire adult life. What a goddamn awful, hurtful thing to say. The only dark cloud following me around right now is YOU.
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It's actually not so hard for me to fathom that you've done this to me. Our friendship was always a high-stakes game and I guess I took some pride in having won that bet for so long. I've never been an adventure seeker in the white-knuckle sense, but I have always quested to tame the lion, swim with whales, hunt with wolves. Ingratiate myself to the most hostile species, because then I've infiltrated your stupid rules and won. We'd been friends long enough that I forgot that even the most hard-won, coddled, well-fed snake is still just a snake. I should have expected this, but it came at an odd time: I'd just spent months trying to nurse you back to some semblance of mental health. How many hours did you spend on my couch, going on and on and on about the same shit over and over and over and all I wanted was for you to SHUT UP AND STOP TALKING FOR A FRACTION OF A SECOND ABOUT THE SAME SHIT, but said only supportive, constructive things.
You take a two-month vacation, and then come back criticizing our band for inactivity. You rant about us not being ambitious, with the main criticism being that I am ambitious. What even the fuck. Then you dump me, via email, out of this thing I've in large part created, and then proceed to berate the hell out of me for feeling betrayed. Man, you were never my friend, and the joke's on me for ever thinking you had been. You are an actually bad person.
And that whole "dark cloud following me around" thing might have been apt if I hadn't just spent the last month being blind-lucky and happier than I've ever been in my entire adult life. What a goddamn awful, hurtful thing to say. The only dark cloud following me around right now is YOU.
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