Mood Surgery

I have this weird urge to be back on drugs right now. I don't know what the fuck is up with that. I don't usually miss that shit.

I think lately that my brain wants more than I am able to provide. It craves the visceral, where I crave the practical. You can see, perhaps, how my brain and I are in disaccord. I think this is called "cognitive dissonance" and I'm tired of milking that old goat. I need help figuring out how to be the person I want to be. But I resent help, so that'd never work.

Basically I'm a fucking retard. I wish I could call in sick on life for like a month.
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But y'know, really, who am I to judge anyone anyway? How you choose to behave is none of my business when the choice is mine to be or not to be affected by it. I've denied it in the past, but when I look honestly and plainly at myself there really is no getting around it: I am a judgemental person.

I'm not sure why or how it's taken me until this period in my life to consider the possibility that this could--golly gee!-- in fact be a character flaw rather than an asset. I am stubborn as well. But when I weigh these things in my mind, I come to the inevitable conclusion that if I wish to continue evolving as a person, and I most certainly do, I need to re-prioritize my relationship with the outside world. I want to feel good. I want people to like me. There, I said it! And I want to like people back. So much of my interaction with the universe, at its basest level, is so inherently negative--and don't get me wrong; I still believe that base negativity has a time and a place as a fundamental component to survival in this world--that I fear this one-sidedness has become an impediment. I need to broaden my palette, expand my arsenal. Perhaps this is obvious to you, but it's a freakin' revelation to me. I don't want to be that guy who always pisses on the fire. I don't want to be a drag. If I am to be the wheel that squeaks, I want it to be to a tune. I want to ride lean and low beneath the crisp night sky, far removed from the clamourous gait of the high horse. I want to be all the right kinds of bad, and that is to say that if there are good things in this world being illegitimized as bad (and there are many), I want my actions and intentions to exemplify those things. I want to be black and proud! I want to save the fuckin' whales dude, and I wanna do it right here in my own backyard. I want the underdogs to become the overlords, and I want the overlords to rot in some perpetual daytime talk television Hell. I want to be hard where I fuck you, and soft where you lay yr head to rest. I want the achievement of YOUR wisdom and happiness to become integral to the achievement of my own. I want to be selfishly selfless. I want to apologize right now to everyone I've ever done wrong, and I want to go door-to-door high-fiving everyone I've ever done right. I want to tell you how beautiful you are, and I want you to tell me I'm beautiful too, and not because we are some uncritical hippie scum, but because I want us to feel healthy and whole and good inside to strengthen our assault. I want to be surgically precise with reckless and joyous abandon. I want impossible contradiction in absolute psychic accord with itself. I want to be wise enough to know that nihilism is the only sane conclusion, but I want to be crazy enough to care anyway.

And I want all of you reading this to share this desire with me. Kickstart it by getting out there today to VOTE. Rockandfuckingroll.
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People are growing egos.

Maybe I should do that too.

Nah.
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Hi.
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